“If you can’t be a good example, be a dire warning”
Taken from my senior yearbook.
Name obviously altered because, duh.
Once upon a time, I was just a high school student looking eagerly for a future that didn’t involve curfews, pointless redundant homework, or dress codes. I certainly didn’t look or act like a future porn performer. I had dyed my naturally blonde hair dark for the first time when my best friend picked a random color off the shelf for me to try. I wasn’t the girl you couldn’t get a date with, I was the girl you never thought to ask. I loved the literary magazine, I was in AP courses, and I was bound for college in Northern California. I liked to hang out with boys who drove classic cars and I spent my evenings at small punk rock clubs sipping on black coffee like a beatnik lost in time.
For the record, I still love classic cars and black coffee.
I did my first real shoot at Kink.Com and I have several more lined up as well as a drive to go shoot in other cities with different companies. Performing in porn was a fantasy I didn’t think much about when I was in high school but in college I found myself looking at model calls and trying to work up the guts to apply. Theoretically I could have started when I was 19 but I wasn’t entirely ready to take the plunge. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life and I was still really insecure about the body I was wearing. I don’t think I would have been permanently damaged if I had started earlier but I don’t think it would have been an entirely positive experience. I wouldn’t have had the ability to feel confident and set limits. I’m glad that I waited and took the time to think things through.
I am not doing porn to support a drug habit, because I hate my home town or parents, nor am I doing it to keep myself in my apartment. I have a day job that I love to death in a field that is important to me. I do it for fun, really. I am an exhibitionist. The paycheck is a nice added perk, certainly, but performers aren’t overnight millionaires. Sometimes we all want a break from our brains and I love that I can operate well in mind and body. Performing gives me a charge. I’m one of those people that can be having an absolutely awful day, but the minute I’m in front of an audience I want to give them 100%. Sometimes this takes the form of public speaking, sometimes it is leading a group discussion, and other times it is getting off in bondage for you.
Being a “dire warning” has never been so much fun!
I also love having a record of my youth and virility. I’m not always going to have boobs that sit up the way they do, I’m not always going to be able to do intense SM play, I’m not always going to have a body that people want to look at naked. This isn’t just fodder for the memoirs, this is a permanent record of my life and times. Yes it will impact the jobs in my future, but at the same time the places I want to live and the people I want in my life are sex positive industries. This wasn’t an impulsive leap for me, I sat around thinking about it for 5 years. In those five years I learned a lot about what turns me on, what turns me off, and who I am. For those who disagree with what I do, then perhaps it should be a sign of the danger of telling a child that they can grow up to be whatever they want because they may grow up and want to be in porn.
I didn’t ask to be kinky. Everyone wants to look for an obvious root but I’m not entirely sure these is one. As I look back, I can see it in my obstinate nature that popped out in childhood. I can see it in the fact that I always saw sex as a performance, even when it was just me and a partner in private. I was excited by shaving my pussy for a boyfriend, I was turned on by masturbating for them in backseats and hidden places. I was never satisfied by a soft romantic caress. I don’t bat an eye when someone throws a set of nipple clamps on me (or two, or three, and a set on my pussy) because my body is wired for more. I don’t have a history of abuse to point to, I just have preferences that have been in place for as long as I can remember.
As I dip my toes into the business it is so apparent to me that not everyone should do porn. It isn’t a self-esteem boost in a bottle because you need to be rock solid about yourself because it is going to be attacked all the time. You have to be vigilant about who your friends are and are not while being polite and political at all times. It helps a lot to know your boundaries around drugs and alcohol because it is around. I’m not going to say that I’m 100% straightedge but I don’t get a big rush from substance use and it doesn’t pose the same temptation to me. It’s really easy for me to see that if someone comes into the field with a different motivation than I have it would be ridiculously easy to have some problems. If you have to be high or drunk to get up there then this is not a career for you, plain and simple.
Having done my requisite STD/HIV testing, I have decided that the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation is the most awesome group ever. In fact, when I start accruing more letters behind my name (in addition to my B.A.) I would love to work for them. People are really quick to make really big judging statements about sex workers, testing, and responsibility with a lot of disdain and then act surprised when there are many who don’t because they are treated horribly by their health care team and stop going or being honest. Sex work is not immoral; it should not be punished by bad treatment nor should anyone put up with that kind of crap surrounding their health. Organizations like the St. James Infirmary here in SF or the DMSC in India and other peer-based organizations are the ones that make a difference. The top-down approach (we help them because they have no idea how to help themselves because they don’t know or understand themselves the way we do) does.not.work. It is insulting and unhelpful if you think it is your job to make our decisions. I salute all sex workers that organize as a community to support one another.
So look forward to future shoots. I have lots of fun doing them and I hope that you will be enjoying lots of content as soon as my pesky skin clears up.
5 Comments
April 22, 2009 at 1:37 pm
hiya, i found you via behind kink and hogtied. For hours i would say to myself "…baseball bat in my dugout" and cackle. And try to imagine how i would handle an i/view like that. I'm a nurse here in aussie, & i get the sense of your work and the mind-set it needs. Maybe kink has a healthcare position for you. I do worry about 1st aid for the wrestlers @ US, myself. thx for the blog and you look great in the shoot. Penny
April 22, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Hi Maggie, a thoughtful and interesting post.I really like your views on health-care and certainly sex-workers should organise and stand up for themselves.I’m here at Zille’s recommendation.Warm hugs,Paul.
April 24, 2009 at 4:02 am
Hi Penny- Thanks! I’m hoping to go on and add extra letters to my name and hopefully I’ll always be a sex positive worker. I’m so glad you found my blog and I’m glad to have you here!To Paul- Aww, thanks again. Zille is amazing and I’m always checking out her recommendations as well. She rocks my seamed stockings. Hugs!
April 26, 2009 at 2:51 am
I liked the “I didn’t ask to be kinky” line! It is kind of a gift and curse isn’t it… KNOWING when you meet someone that there is no way they will be able to handel the things that turn you on is lame. But nothing compared to the fun/excitment you can feel when you find a partner or partners that “get it”. I’ve said the same thing about being a musician. I didn’t ask for it and it sucks wading thru those other musicians that don’t “get it” but when you find the ones that do it makes it all worth it.
April 26, 2009 at 3:40 am
@wolfmanjason We all play the hand we’re dealt. What kills me is that deep down we’re all looking for the thing that makes us happy. I found mine and that makes me lucky so I celebrate it.