This will be a multi-part series of things you can start doing today to reduce rape culture in the BDSM community.
Today’s lesson: You are not a hypocrite for confronting Creepy Naked Guy
The BDSM community is just one of the habitats of the creepy naked guy. We’ll use CNG for short. The CNG pops up all over the world in any place where there are people. CNG’s are like rats in that regard. Unlike rats, however, I am not particularly fond of the CNG.
The difference between the BDSM community and the rest of the world is that we’ll let CNG dribble pre-ejaculatory fluid all over the party for an inordinately long period of time before someone finally musters up the courage to politely ask him to please wipe his penis.
If it needs to be said out loud then I’ll say it: you are not a hypocrite for confronting the CNG. If you’re naked and on a leash, you can walk up and request that someone not skulk around the dungeon like Johnny Splooge-Seed planting little semen trees everywhere he goes. If you’re a puppy, bark. If you’re a kitty, hiss. If you’re a llama…llama in his general direction. If you can speak, you must speak.
I don’t know how to clearly articulate the difference between a man who walks across the room wiping his dick on his way to the trashcan to throw out the baby wipe without raising a single eyebrow in the room and the CNG but we all know it when we see it. If you’re unsure, he’s the guy with the dribbling dick that has an uncanny ability to make everyone back up against the wall so that he can’t sneak up behind them. If people are treating it as if it were a loaded gun pointed in their direction with a forced calm, it’s a problem. It’s almost as if we’re waiting for permission from an authority figure to say, “here is a tissue, please wipe your penis when you’re in the dungeon.”
Experienced players know that when you do finally confront the creepy naked guy he usually bolts like a bat out of hell. In my experience, walking up to CNG and looking him in the eye and merely saying, “Dude,” works quite well. You don’t have to make a legal speech. You don’t have to prove the distinction between your behavior and his. CNG knows the distinction. I’m asking you, my community, to “just say ‘dude.’”
If he stammers, you can follow that up with, “Come on, dude.” Or, “Seriously dude. Dude!” These are powerful rebuttals in situations like these.
Party hosts, you don’t have to wait until someone lodges a formal complaint. You have a right to refuse service declaration. If you spot CNG dribbling, please don’t wait until someone slips and falls in his semen trail.
We have to break a culture where we think of the person who initiates this confrontation as being the one who cracked first. Some of us can roll our eyes when we see CNG. We participating in the communal attempt to will him out of existence by ignoring his behavior but we avoid the dip at the snack table for the rest of the night. Admitting that you’re feel really uneasy about something like that is not a form of weakness. That’s the gut instinct you keep telling women that they have and should research and should use.
It’s also an example of the Asch Conformity Experiment. As a whole, we doubt our opinions when they seem to be unpopular. In 1953, Solomon Ashch conducted an experiment in which one subject was placed in a room full of people to answer a simple question with no logical wrong answer. All but the subject were instructed to give the wrong answer who, at a 32% frequency would go along with incorrect answer even though they knew it to be impossible. This is why we laugh in a group when we don’t get the joke. Through our collective inaction, we demonstrate that speaking up about something we know to be wrong is less acceptable in practice than it is in theory. We hesitate when it comes time to say, “this behavior is unwelcome in our community.”
You can show your support to survivors by standing up to CNG when he shows up. When someone complains, don’t cringe at the complaint as if receiving it was like drawing the bad straw. When someone is feeling you out by making an awkward joke about his presence and their discomfort, don’t immediately say, “oh he’s harmless.” The fact that he is causing discomfort for the entire room is harm. At the very least, everyone feels less turned on and they’re growing suspicious of the relative cleanliness of any and all surfaces. We feel an invisible stickiness on our bodies.
Ignoring the creepy naked guy in the room has never made him go away. It is not his right to be a wanker and dribble everywhere. If he actually waved his hand and said, “these are not the leaky balls you are looking for,” it would be something of a sign that he was one of us or at least aware of the oozing situation. He never has to rationalize his behavior because we do that for him. Maybe he doesn’t know, maybe he’s just awkward, maybe that’s just ranch dressing…
We don’t have to argue his case for him in our own heads. We can ask questions like, “Is that just ranch dressing or is it time for you to get the fuck out?”
CNG is initiating a scene with the room that no one consented to being in and we wait way too long before we call RED. Situations like these don’t have to escalate into a debate between dungeon monitors on whose job it is to cleanup the leftover semen this time. We always let this go on and we wind up throwing away perfectly good dip because no one wants to eat it any more. People just aren’t getting as turned on in their scene because they’re distracted by the CNG they’re trying to ignore. I watch tops with singletails lose concentration with their aim because they’re watching the CNG watching them and not their bottom’s bottom. The adult babies are crying about the scary man, the people in heels are suddenly clumsy because they keep thinking, “don’t fall on his dick, don’t fall on his dick, don’t fall on his dick…”
CNG fucks up our collective mojo. He will somehow always be with us like one of Jung’s shadows. He will always find a way inside. We can’t say it’s just us because he’s been known to pull these kinds of shenangins just about everywhere he can. When he shows up in our community spaces, we must say this stray semen will not stand! We can say this with just one word. “Dude!”