This will be a multi-part series of things you can start doing today to reduce rape culture in the BDSM community.
Today’s lesson: You are not a hypocrite for confronting Creepy Naked Guy
The BDSM community is just one of the habitats of the creepy naked guy. We’ll use CNG for short. The CNG pops up all over the world in any place where there are people. CNG’s are like rats in that regard. Unlike rats, however, I am not particularly fond of the CNG.
The difference between the BDSM community and the rest of the world is that we’ll let CNG dribble pre-ejaculatory fluid all over the party for an inordinately long period of time before someone finally musters up the courage to politely ask him to please wipe his penis.
If it needs to be said out loud then I’ll say it: you are not a hypocrite for confronting the CNG. If you’re naked and on a leash, you can walk up and request that someone not skulk around the dungeon like Johnny Splooge-Seed planting little semen trees everywhere he goes. If you’re a puppy, bark. If you’re a kitty, hiss. If you’re a llama…llama in his general direction. If you can speak, you must speak.
I don’t know how to clearly articulate the difference between a man who walks across the room wiping his dick on his way to the trashcan to throw out the baby wipe without raising a single eyebrow in the room and the CNG but we all know it when we see it. If you’re unsure, he’s the guy with the dribbling dick that has an uncanny ability to make everyone back up against the wall so that he can’t sneak up behind them. If people are treating it as if it were a loaded gun pointed in their direction with a forced calm, it’s a problem. It’s almost as if we’re waiting for permission from an authority figure to say, “here is a tissue, please wipe your penis when you’re in the dungeon.”
Experienced players know that when you do finally confront the creepy naked guy he usually bolts like a bat out of hell. In my experience, walking up to CNG and looking him in the eye and merely saying, “Dude,” works quite well. You don’t have to make a legal speech. You don’t have to prove the distinction between your behavior and his. CNG knows the distinction. I’m asking you, my community, to “just say ‘dude.’”
If he stammers, you can follow that up with, “Come on, dude.” Or, “Seriously dude. Dude!” These are powerful rebuttals in situations like these.
Party hosts, you don’t have to wait until someone lodges a formal complaint. You have a right to refuse service declaration. If you spot CNG dribbling, please don’t wait until someone slips and falls in his semen trail.
We have to break a culture where we think of the person who initiates this confrontation as being the one who cracked first. Some of us can roll our eyes when we see CNG. We participating in the communal attempt to will him out of existence by ignoring his behavior but we avoid the dip at the snack table for the rest of the night. Admitting that you’re feel really uneasy about something like that is not a form of weakness. That’s the gut instinct you keep telling women that they have and should research and should use.
It’s also an example of the Asch Conformity Experiment. As a whole, we doubt our opinions when they seem to be unpopular. In 1953, Solomon Ashch conducted an experiment in which one subject was placed in a room full of people to answer a simple question with no logical wrong answer. All but the subject were instructed to give the wrong answer who, at a 32% frequency would go along with incorrect answer even though they knew it to be impossible. This is why we laugh in a group when we don’t get the joke. Through our collective inaction, we demonstrate that speaking up about something we know to be wrong is less acceptable in practice than it is in theory. We hesitate when it comes time to say, “this behavior is unwelcome in our community.”
You can show your support to survivors by standing up to CNG when he shows up. When someone complains, don’t cringe at the complaint as if receiving it was like drawing the bad straw. When someone is feeling you out by making an awkward joke about his presence and their discomfort, don’t immediately say, “oh he’s harmless.” The fact that he is causing discomfort for the entire room is harm. At the very least, everyone feels less turned on and they’re growing suspicious of the relative cleanliness of any and all surfaces. We feel an invisible stickiness on our bodies.
Ignoring the creepy naked guy in the room has never made him go away. It is not his right to be a wanker and dribble everywhere. If he actually waved his hand and said, “these are not the leaky balls you are looking for,” it would be something of a sign that he was one of us or at least aware of the oozing situation. He never has to rationalize his behavior because we do that for him. Maybe he doesn’t know, maybe he’s just awkward, maybe that’s just ranch dressing…
We don’t have to argue his case for him in our own heads. We can ask questions like, “Is that just ranch dressing or is it time for you to get the fuck out?”
CNG is initiating a scene with the room that no one consented to being in and we wait way too long before we call RED. Situations like these don’t have to escalate into a debate between dungeon monitors on whose job it is to cleanup the leftover semen this time. We always let this go on and we wind up throwing away perfectly good dip because no one wants to eat it any more. People just aren’t getting as turned on in their scene because they’re distracted by the CNG they’re trying to ignore. I watch tops with singletails lose concentration with their aim because they’re watching the CNG watching them and not their bottom’s bottom. The adult babies are crying about the scary man, the people in heels are suddenly clumsy because they keep thinking, “don’t fall on his dick, don’t fall on his dick, don’t fall on his dick…”
CNG fucks up our collective mojo. He will somehow always be with us like one of Jung’s shadows. He will always find a way inside. We can’t say it’s just us because he’s been known to pull these kinds of shenangins just about everywhere he can. When he shows up in our community spaces, we must say this stray semen will not stand! We can say this with just one word. “Dude!”
It’s sometimes hard to make statements like these without them turning into sweeping generalizations. We can’t penalize ALL naked guys who masturbate… or can we? Isn’t voyeurism condoned in the dungeon… or has it become an ‘active participation required’ community? For some, whether their shy, not interested in exhibitionism, or a voyeur who gets their rocks on watching and returning home to play, watching *should* be a form of participation.
In some ways, I think this line of thinking strikes fear in me because I imagine it could be misused in the name of safety. How do we ensure that calling said dude out on their behavior doesn’t then become used as an excuse to ask anyone we don’t like or who is different to leave?
I think the challenge is in defining “creepy” so that those who are perpetrating the offense can identify the behaviors to avoid. Seriously, there are some folks who just don’t “get it” or whose social skills are just not up to par for any number of reasons. Personally, instead of approaching them with a single word, “Dude”, I’d rather see someone educate them on what they can do to STOP being creepy and actually articulate what they are doing that is so offensive.
But first, I think we need to figure out WHAT they are doing that IS so creepy. Is it that they’re naked? Is it that they hover? Because they don’t talk to anyone… or because when they do they do x, y, or z? Is it because he’s wanking? What exactly IS it that makes us cringe?
Perhaps if we could figure it out, we could give these folks a clue. Until then, calling them out on their behavior and asking them to leave is a start. In the least, it ensures those who remain feel safe and sexy.
The reason I truncate what needs to be said down to “dude” is because any time that I’ve confronted a wanker or creepy naked guy in the dungeon it’s usually the only word I can manage to get out before the wanker magicly has pants and disappears. Most wankers know that they are wanking. I’ve seen the same pattern happen with phone calls to the hotlines where I volunteer. As soon as you say, “we do not accept calls of this nat—” they’ve already hung up on you. I am 100% pro education when possible. Deliberate wankers are not receptive to education because generally speaking they know that what they are doing is wrong. Being able to create discomfort across the room can be part of the thrill and that isn’t an issue of being misguided about what safe, sane, and consensual means. Saying “dude,” is not the same thing as a lynch mob or a violent confrontation. It’s a “dude.”
Someone who has made an honest mistake will generally express confusion or regret when confronted with a “dude.” If they do you have a great starting point for a conversation and some education. Chances are they’re going to bolt the instant that someone looks them in the eye.
I do agree that we need to keep working towards articulating the difference but until then we need to listen to ourselves and speak up about inappropriate behavior.
Would it be better to only participate in play spaces where masturbation by those not actively participating is forbidden? The fact that someone is masturbating to the point of (pre-?) ejaculation seems to what you’re objecting to — or am I not reading you correctly?
Masturbation without participation seems to be a point on which swingers and exhibitionists in general do not always agree, so maybe participating only in spaces with articulated rules to keep you comfortable would be a better alternative than initiating shaming behavior against people to whose presence the other members of the community might not only consent, but may find to be an erotic component of the space (at least for some exhibitionists.)
In BDSM dungeons, solo masturbation (especially in social areas) is generally forbidden especially because the focus in a dungeon is on SM play rather than “sex” itself. The definition is tricky and it varies from space to space as you’ve noticed.
What I described is incredibly common in BDSM spaces and equally common are rules prohibiting that kind of behavior. I am hoping to empower people to broach the topic with someone in a non-loaded way because if it is a genuine mistake you can explain. From my experience confronting individuals who are in fact wanking, they tend to bolt out the door very quickly. In some cases I’ve seen them take off the second that someone locked eyes with someone and walked over with a sense of purpose before anything was actually said. To me, this is the biggest difference between “I *really* didn’t know that this is a violation of the rules” and “how long can I get away with doing this?”
“Perhaps if we could figure it out, we could give these folks a clue. Until then, calling them out on their behavior and asking them to leave is a start. In the least, it ensures those who remain feel safe and sexy.”
I get what you’re saying here, but I’m not sure I can agree with you on this last point. I absolutely agree that we should be able to articulate what exactly someone is doing that crosses a line. (Is it standing too close? A lot of times, in my experience, it’s standing too close, really invading the space of someone’s scene. I know when someone once sat down to watch and wank in the chair GF Esq had brought over next to us to drop me into when I couldn’t stand anymore — a chair that was actually in our scene — that was pretty clearly the problem. In the post you link to, it sounds like the problem might also be getting their bodily fluids on surfaces in the space. Which, again, is a pretty clear offense, and it’s easy to explain exactly what does and doesn’t cross that line, articulate why it’s wrong, and forbid it.) But I’m inclined to think that, if we can’t articulate what someone is doing wrong and have to resort to “Dude,” or the general consensus that they make people uncomfortable, it sets a dangerous precedent to ask them to leave, for exactly the reasons you point out. We don’t give people a way to know how to behave acceptably in the space, and we run the risk of reinforcing the injustices in the culture around us when we decide who makes us uncomfortable and needs to leave — which I can’t get behind risking even if it ensures those who remain feel safe and sexy. Perhaps instead we should put our energy into devising clear rules for our spaces, and clear ways of enforcing them.
The problem is, what does “too close” mean?
I frequently advise the voyeurs and watchers to look up from the scene they are watching every few minutes to avoid a fixed gaze. The fixed and unrelenting gaze *can* be a sign of inappropriate behavior but for others it is a totally consensual flirting technique. Most of our common rules lack an articulate rubric. “Aggressive cruising” is often prohibited but if you ask just defines aggressive cruising exactly the words seem inadequate.
I do not have faith that “rules” will save us. Other communities have adopted models like “yellow cards” and “red cards” that are often more effective than trying to turn a dungeon into a court of law.
Please forgive my naivete but as I’ve never been to a BDSM dungeon….is the leaky dick of CNG a euphemism or does this actually happen? Looking forward to more of these posts as I clearly have a lot to learn about a culture I only observe from the confines of blogging.
Yes, sadly I am being literal. :-/
I also want to point out that this guy gets around. He’s been spotted everywhere around the world in all kinds of spaces and not just BDSM spaces.
Ok so expounding on Aiden’s thought train….Is it just that it’s a solo naked guy wanking and spewing? Would it be different if he were there with someone? If he knew the people he was watching and jerking to? What if it was a solo woman who was shy and just wanted to watch and then got carried away and started wanking?
That being said, literally having no regard for your bodily fluids being forced upon others should most definitely be cause for a swift kick out in the cold, pronto.
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Yes. Speaking as a former party organizer, please don’t wait for an authority figure to step in. I think the issue of solo male wankers is thorny as discussed above, but if you don’t want them watching your scene or you’re concerned about their body fluids, by all means say something.
I think a lot of them vanish not exactly b/c they know that they’re doing is wrong in the “body fluids dripping everywhere” sort of way, but in the sexual shame sort of way. They’re ashamed of their actions and voyeuristic desires — which is precisely why they don’t do their thing in a more sanitary and respectful manner, as that would involve thinking things through and taking agency. And they can’t do it. So they run and hide. Well, OK dudes. See you when you can own your shit.
These chaps do get everywhere. In my circle they’re referred to as “wanky men”, with a bit of an eyeroll, a bit of a cringe, and a bit of brazening it out.
The creepiness isn’t in the solo male wanking. I’ve seen solo male wankers with a roving gaze and a twinkle in their eye, leaning back against the wall and slowly fondling themselves with a clear enjoyment of their cock and the situation they find themselves in. The creepiness is in the shame. It’s in the hunched posture, the clenched, rapidly moving fist, the shifty expression, the fixed, frightened or intent looking stare (facial expressions which often make me think they’re drunk or high), the shuffling feet, the fact they won’t meet your eye. I absolutely agree with Lori’s comment that this behaviour is borne out of shame and as such I’ve never found these chaps – for example – a threat of violence. However, there is a clear threat of having your space invaded – the sidling up behind you until ooops, how did that leaky cock up brushing your thigh – and having your scene disturbed.
I love the chance to fuck and play in public, enjoying any appreciative glances from passersby, and I don’t mind people stopping to watch if they do so in a respectful and relaxed way. But a dude who’s clearly not relaxed, who’s getting a bit too close, is always on the edge of your awareness and for me, it ruins the buzz of being watched by anyone else.
Yes, a woman can have that effect. I’ve had my space invaded by women too. In my experience though, a woman is less likely to creep you out by being a hunched, shuffling, bubble of negative energy which is trying to get close enough to “accidentally” touch you. A woman is more likely to grin and leer and make comments and interrupt your scene to brat to your top or paw you with sweaty hands. And the strategy for dealing with that is different. A “dude” won’t deter that chick off her face who’s determined to be the center of attention. This isn’t about “men are worse in dungeons than women, it’s about different disruptive behaviours and how to deal with them in different ways.
Once someone’s touched me or interrupted a scene space I’ll confront them, but up to that point I’ve always just moved to elsewhere in the club. Thanks for the ‘dude’ suggestion Maggie. I like the flexibility of it. Opens the way for a civil conversation if there’s one to be had, but sufficient if they scarper as soon as you open your mouth. I’ll remember it next time I’m out and let you know how I get on.
Looking forward to reading the rest of this series!
Up front, I’ll confess to having never been to a BDSM event. However, I recognize this behavior, and some of the reactions people are having to Maggie’s post about it.
She’s being very specific about what the problem with CNG is. Of course “Creepy Naked Guy” as an appellation is a funny and quick way to ID him that could be over-generalizing, IF she didn’t go on to so clearly define the behavior she’s talking about. To me, it’s the slow, careful, furtive luring of others into a situation they didn’t consent to. It’s a step up from “Oh, you’ve got lint on your shirt, let me pick that off without asking. Whoops, the back of my wrist just happened to brush your thigh on the train. Repeatedly. No, ma’am, I didn’t just run my fingers through the back of your hair, must have been the wind.”
I think the fear of setting a dangerous precedent is often the very thing that keeps well-intentioned, good people silent when they should speak out. It doesn’t sound like telling CNG “Um, guy? Tissue please?” will lead to all voyeurs being chased out. At the very least, that’s what the monitors are for, right? A true CNG will just leave, but someone that wasn’t really being a problem will tell the monitor if their being unduly harassed.
Again, dungeon culture is a hypothetical to me, so correct me if I’m wrong.
The BDSM dungeons I went to always had a “no solo scenes” rule, and now I can see why. I guess that type of rule isn’t common?
I dunno — I’ve never seen that rule (or never had to look for it), but one of my favorite dungeon memories is of a person all dressed up in sexy clothes getting up on a spanking bench, throwing her head back, and slowly, sensually…the best description of it is probably making love to herself. I didn’t see anyone near her making sure she did it or ordering her to, so I can only assume it was her own idea.
It wasn’t creepy, because she wasn’t demanding I watch or participate. She wasn’t moving around, and she definitely wasn’t ashamed of herself (which was part of what was so incredibly hot). She also wasn’t necessarily watching anyone else, which might have helped. Thinking back on it, her gender wasn’t important either — I’d react just as well to a guy doing that scene.
I’m having serious problems with the idea that it’s creepy to be ashamed. When someone’s ashamed of their sexuality, that’s a sad thing, not a creepy thing, and the idea that it’s creepy is a really hurtful, harmful stereotype of people who are struggling with certain problems.
I know the type of person you’re talking about, but not everyone who might be embarrassed is, in fact, creepy and faking embarrassment to ‘accidentally’ touch someone.
To “Anonymous” who has “serious problems with the idea that it’s creepy to be ashamed” (is this why you have commented anonymously?) — I think you are getting confused with the “all fish live in water / anything that lives in water is a fish” dilemma. No one said that people who were ashamed of their sexuality were all creeps. And I think everyone who has posted here would agree that it’s very sad, and we sympathize with their situation.
However, if you ever have seen a “CNG,” you realize that this person is not someone who is taking advantage of the open and welcoming BDSM community to work with their sense of shame and overcome it. It is someone who is abusing that open and welcoming community so they can get off without care about the people whose scenes and sense of freedom and safety they are damaging.
There are plenty of embarrassed people who just go down to the dungeon and watch, with their clothing on, harming none (although it is sad that they are being limited — still, their consideration of others is *good*). Indeed, there are embarrassed people who just stay home and masturbate to porn — and while it’s sad they are not getting out and making friends and overcoming their shame — still, they are not upsetting anyone else with their behaviour.
But the CNG is actually interacting with people, and using his shame as an excuse to behave just as he sees fit, with no consideration for the people around him (who would, otherwise, make him feel welcome and do their best to help him overcome his shame). So CNGs don’t need you defending them. They just need to be taught that they either need to jerk off at home, or play nice with the other kids.
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Once when I was at a dungeon, we had to tell CNG he couldn’t be that close to the food. Ewww. He didn’t seem to be interested in interaction or in sharing an experience, just in hanging out by himself (no pun intended).
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