How Not To Be A Douche In The Dungeon

I wrote this almost a year ago and posted it on Fetlife. Given that Fetlife is a closed system, I am reposting it here with in a slightly updated form. Feel free to syndicate by crediting with a link back to my website. 

Does everyone at the party always seem angry at you?

Have you been kicked out of events for inappropriate behavior?

Are you confused about what to do?

Here, now, in condensed form are some tips to help you make friends in the dungeon. This list is not a complete index, but rather a set of helpful hints to help squeeeegee your third-eye and open your mind.

• Scene negotiations are like boxing negotiations. In the absence of express active consent, the actions involved in both activities are considered assault. Just because someone is a known boxer does not mean you can walk up and punch them.

  Much like the boxer, the person that you just randomly groped might punch you and for the same reasons.

• The way to ask for consent to touch someone is to say, “Is it OK for me to hug you/touch you/pat your head/rub your belly/waka waka?” Then, wait patiently for a response. If the individual affirms in the positive, you may proceed. Waka waka, oh yes. However, it is important to note than a non-response is not a positive response. No waka waka. You must receive a positive affirmation before waka waka.

• No one is issued a constitutional right to obtain a list of detailed reasons regarding a rejection. There are infinitely more reasons not to play than there are to play in any given moment. The reason most people cited when asked why they began a scene with a consenting partner was, “it was hot and we wanted to do it.”

  Reasons cited for not playing had much more diversity and ranged from responses like, “I’m not into leapfrog tea-bagging,” to, “I’m having an allergic reaction to shellfish!” If someone turns you down, you’re going to be okay and you don’t be a jerk about it. Your astrological signs didn’t match or maybe you had an unlucky color for a toy bag. Some people just aren’t “into” other people on certain days of the week. You never really know what’s going on with someone. Being an asshole about a rejection will only reduce your chances the next time you ask.

  It is also important to note that if you’re rude and hostile to someone who politely declined your offer, those witnessing the incident are likely to take it into consideration should you ever approach them. You never know when someone cute in the crowd has a particular fetish for people who treat others with respect.

• If you are at a play party and you have some concerns as to whether or not you will be able to keep your hands off of people without their consent, you should talk to the DM or the party host and they will gladly offer you assistance. Remember, communicating with the DM keeps the party safe for everyone!

• Compliments are super nice and we all appreciate them. They do not act, however, as “touching gift vouchers.” It’s great to love latex/leather/denim/furry suits/uniforms/cotton/chain mail/rope/plastic wrap/mayonaise/wax/naked/ dinosaur bones/The Hunt For Red October/accents/whatever the thing it is you love. Just because you love it, doesn’t mean you can stroke it.

• Yes, that is a very nice flogger/whip/jump rope/daisy chain/macaroni salad that you have there. That statement is not an invitation to hit me with it.

• Double check to make sure that the head of your cock is not slowly leaking seminal fluid when you first introduce yourself to a stranger unless you’ve received a special invitation from them to do so.

• Do not provoke someone into domming you by being flirtatiously insolent and “accidentally” spilling things onto someone or mishandling their possessions and then suggesting a spanking for punishment. No waka waka. The idea that it’s totally acceptable to insult or provoke someone into anger in order to manipulate them into your fantasy scene represents something of a consent comprehension collapse. You aren’t being “naughty,” you’re being a douche.

• Titties are the nebulous space between nudity and simply not wearing a shirt. There’s a lot  of politics around tits and their grey zone of relative public appropriateness. They mark a certain level of comfort that may not be about overt sexual active exhibitionism. If you’re hanging around and titties come out, don’t do anything that might potentially make the titties go away. This is called being part of the community or “the conservation of titties.” Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things. Ask your peers to check in with you if they think your behavior might be offensive to titties. Welcome their advice. ‘Tis a far better thing to enjoy the titties from afar than never to have enjoyed the titties at all.

• As anyone well versed in Risk Aware Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K.) will tell you, an out-of-control fire in the dungeon play space is a very bad thing. By taking the time to look up from the very hot scene you are voyeuristicly staring directly into to scan the room for any outbreaks of fire, you will not only contribute to the health and safety of everyone playing, you also reduce your risk of being the energy-sucking-vampire-creepy-douche!

  Remember, only you can prevent dungeon fires!

• Recognizing someone as as a sex worker or educator does not entitle you special access to their space and privacy. Just because someone is a performer does not mean that they are performing. Just because someone is an educator, does not mean that they are giving a demonstration with a question-and-answer session.

  Respect dungeon courtesy for all people in the dungeon unless you have been otherwise invited. I hate to sound like a total hippie, but in the dungeon we’re all just kinky people indulging our kinks with someone(s) special. We want a chance to enjoy our scene, get lost in each other, and then enjoy some mutual aftercare. Our partner/s are our priority at that time. The social area is the preferred place to approach someone because right now we might be getting water for someone. Can’t chat. Go to go. ‘Ain’t personal. That teddy bear is for the bitch on the cross, not you.

Thanks for reading!